Kushinka! I forgot to vote!

I didn’t vote on Tuesday, but I don’t think I was going to make that big of an effort anyway.  The fact that Amy was in the hospital recovering from surgery was just a bonus that I got to go along with my general apathy and therefore stayed at home.  There’s always the run-off and then the big day in November.  You see, in this country you have many opportunities to have your voice counted along with all the other retirees and family members of those running for office.
 
There are only two local races that have my attention:  Coroner and Tax Commissioner.  I wish I could say they have my attention for good reasons, but sadly I’m only interested because they are entertaining.
 
The local coroner race has been an interesting race for as long as I can remember.  The current coroner has been in office for a while and every election he is challenged by the same guy:  Cam Bryant.  It wouldn’t be that big of a deal, but Cam’s signs are the first you see in Houston County every time elections roll around.  You think he would get discouraged and give up or at least move to a place where the race for coroner might be a bit more favorable to him.  His signs get bigger and they get out earlier every election.  This race is also a bit silly to me because I have never really understood why coroner is an elected position.  What can I possibly know about a coroner that would make me choose one over another?  Also it scares me to think that if it’s an elected position, there aren’t any actual qualifications outside of residency and age.  As long as it is an elected position, I think the best way to determine who wins this race is to have the two competitors meet downtown on a stage and both should have to sing the munchkin coroner song from the Wizard of Oz.  “As coroner I’m called to her, I thoroughly examined her / And she’s not only really dead, she’s really most sincerely dead.”  Whoever does the best job is coroner.
 
As for tax commissioner, we have a middle aged lady, Judy Kludge, and a guy named Mark Kushinka.  I have not seen any of those small “side-of-the-road” signs for Judy, but have seen about 3 huge billboards for her.  The billboards somehow fit her name, the fact that she’s running for tax commissioner, and extols her conservative values despite the overwhelming amount of room her giant freak-head actually takes up on the billboard.  I think it’s either incredibly brave or incredibly ego-driven for a middle-aged woman to do this, especially Judy with her double-chin, wrinkled cheeks, and bags under her eyes.  Good luck, Judy.  You go girl. 
 
As for Kushinka, well, he is of the “I’m putting my small signs everywhere” variety.  You can’t swing an incumbent coroner in this county without knocking down 2 dozen Kushinka signs.  We have decided that Kushinka sounds like a game they would play on The Price is Right; maybe a cross between Plinko and Cliff Hangers (my two favorite TPIR games).  Kushinka is really fun to say, if you say it right.  You can’t just say “Kushinka,” you have to exclaim it.  As long as it’s said proudly and with feeling it can work in any situation.  If you just took a bite of really hot pizza, “Kushinka!”  If you just rolled a Yahtzee, “Kushinka!”  If you just stubbed your toe, “Kushinka!”  If you just narrowly defeated Houston County’s Coroner-for-life, Daniel Galpin, after trying year after year after year, “Kushinka!”  (Sadly, that last instance will probably never come to fruition…at least not for Cam Bryant.)  Amy and I always say “Kushinka!” every time we see one of his signs.  This gets incredibly taxing considering how many of them there are.  We either have a fun and unique way of entertaining ourselves or we are possibly the saddest couple in all the county.